101 Good Reasons To Kill Myself Right Now

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out to someone or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273–8255. This is based on Roland Topor’s “100 Good Reasons to Kill Myself Right Now”

1. I’d be contributing less to climate change.
2. Less Kanye West quotes.
3. I’d finally find out if God is real.
4. I might get reincarnated as a cat.
5. I can throw the best funeral.
6. I don’t have to make anxious calls to my doctor.
7. I don’t have to drink Dr Pepper ever again.
8. NO. MORE. DRIVING.
9. If I go to Heaven, I get to hang out with Michael Jackson.
10. If I go to Hell, I get to hang out with Hitler.
11. If I go to Purgatory, fuck….
12. No more goddamn politics.
13. My therapist can have more time slots.
14. More Zoloft for everyone.
15. My room can be used as storage.
16. Dying seems like the best investment.
17. Because my brain told me so
18. I’ll do what I want!!!
19. I get to die in a cool way.
20. No more waiting at the DMV.
21. I can finally prove that bully right from seventh grade.
22. It’d be a really nice sleep.
23. I’ll prove I’m not a coward.
24. I’ll finally get to meet Camus.
25. My drama will end.
26. Everyone get my stuff!
27. Can’t overthink if you’re dead.
28. My obituary will finally be in the paper.
29. To escape Trump’s America.
30. To finally see if this is a simulation.
31. To see who goes to my funeral.
32. So I can be dressed in the my best clothes.
33. So I can finally have Vines play at my funeral.
34. To be my final defiance from God.
35. My final words can be: “Well, that was something.”
36. Less callers to the Suicide Hotline.
37. Can’t get any worse, can’t get any better.
38. My organs can be donated.
39. And nothing of value was lost.
40. There will be more oxygen for people.
41. Less meat eaters
42. Less buyers of clothes made by children in sweatshops.
43. Less men alive.
44. Less people who love Parks and Rec more than the Office.
45. Less shitposters online.
46. Less ranting.
47. Satan’s waiting.
48. Jesus’ waiting.
49. I’m so fucked up.
50. Don’t need to do my taxes anymore.
51. Don’t need to fill forms.
52. Join the biggest club in the world, the dead people’s club.
53. Seems like a good thing to do.
54. Life was already pretty good so might as well end it here.
55. No more colds.
56. I get to watch from up or down there!
57. No more denial.
58. My friends sympathy can be used elsewhere.
59. My advertising data is now useless.
60. Expectations of me have finally become zero.
61. Not having to pay my Netflix bill anymore.
62. This seems like a nice way to go vegan.
63. I’ve just had about enough. It’s time to sleep.
64. I’m cancelled. Permanently.
65. The permanent solution to a temporary problem seems pretty efficient to me.
66. Maybe this is all a dream.
67. I can finally prove I’m depressed!
68. As the eternal self, I can choose when to leave.
69. Because rules are meant to be broken.
70. I have never broken a bone but there’s a first time for everything.
71. It seems as though I’ve been emo too much online and thus I am unhireable.
72. This is my fuck you to capitalism.
73. I’ve seen about everything.
74. Can never be a bad parent.
75. I’m a luxury no one deserves.
76. To prove I have good aim!
77. To prove I’m not afraid of heights!
78. To cure my mental illness.
79. Because Kierkegaard is dead and I’d really like to meet him.
80. I’ve seen every episode of Breaking Bad.
81. Because Arrested Development is past its prime.
82. I’d rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.
83. Because I’m too dramatic.
84. I can finally get what I deserve.
85. I can stop pretending I know French.
86. I’m finally honest with my feelings.
87. No more carbs.
88. I don’t have to live with myself.
89. No more self-hate.
90. I’m trying to prove a point.
91. The game is up.
92. I’ve given up.
93. I’m tired of listening to sad songs.
94. I can regain my 20/20 vision.
95. My final meal can be a 20 piece Chicken McNuggets.
96. My twitter can be re-purposed for a bot selling car insurance.
97. I don’t have to fear being murdered.
98. I’ve already seen Kanye West.
99. I’m tired.
100. Because this list was way harder than I thought to write.
101. I hate myself.