Hi, hello, fellow Medium writers! It is, I, the one and only Ram Reyes, back at you again with some incoherent writing.
I’ve told myself that I need to cut the negative self-talk but I can’t help but be a little bit because I am still very unsure about my writing. But this post will be more of an update post on what’s been going on with myself and what I plan to do on here.
I currently cannot sleep and I just took two (2) melatonin pills, so this might be very scattered. But what isn’t with me?
Anyways, I just got out one of my pretty dark depressive episodes. I mean I was pretty physically ill too but it was pretty bad. I might write about it in the future but it was closest thing I’ve ever thought of doing the deed.
I’m not sure but I might have Bipolar II disorder? Or maybe even just Cyclothymia (a lesser version of Bipolar II) but I know self-diagnoses are pretty terrible. But I feel like I’m back on my Hypomanic Bullshit™. I can’t sleep, thoughts are racing and my Kanye-esque self esteem is coming back. I feel as though the Zoloft I’m taking might have accidentally made my hypomania get a bit higher than it was because it was very noticeable to me when I first started taking it at the beginning of the year.
Among the racing thoughts in my head right now seem to be pretty “healthy” thoughts. I’m thinking about moving out of my parents house and I’m already worrying how am I going to pay for rent. I do have a job but it doesn’t pay enough and I’m scrambling in my mind how to earn money while still doing something I kind of like.
I acknowledge that I’ve live a very privileged despite being an immigrant. But I feel very stagnant and complacent being stuck in the same room I’ve been since 2009. I need a change of scenery. And the house I’m moving from is a literal block from my parents’ house. I just need a fire lit up my ass.
I think forcing my own hand is good. It’s forcing me to think and try to figure out how to make it on my own. I honestly need to start pushing myself on here! I know I can make money on here (I’ve made a grand total of $0.44, I’m gonna be rich baby!!!) and I know it’s not a good idea to just go in it for the money but…. So what?? I’ve literally been paid before for jobs I kind of liked. And I’ve come to accustomed to a certain type of job I want to be paid for. Something I kind of like doing. Occasionally I love doing it, despite believing I’m not quite that good yet.
But yeah, expect more Posts™ from me that actually had effort put in.
Also I’ve been doing a mental health podcast over at Anchor. Check out the latest episode we did on our friend Jalen! I really love doing it.
