I’m commemorating this day, July 3, 2018. This isn’t really a celebration of Independence Day’s Eve — although that should be a thing. I’m celebrating today because I felt… okay!
As someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety, it might as well be a national holiday for me.
I woke up around 10 am. Got myself a cup of coffee, took my Zoloft and started doing my usual morning ritual — which consisted recently of piecing together a puzzle of Michelangelo’s “Creation of Adam.” I made great progress today with the puzzle and completed the middle part. Now just need to piece together Adam and God.
After that, I had lunch that consisted of fish and rice. I’ve been trying to transition to a more Pescatarian diet, which is just vegetarianism but you get to eat fish (I really like my sushi). Usually while I eat, I read a book. Right now I’m reading Nassim Nicholas Taleb’s Antifragile. It’s pretty good I might do an article later about what I’ve learned in it. Right now I’m on a chapter talking about how sometimes the best thing to do… is nothing! That’s a lesson that’s been coming up in many of the things I’ve read and in therapy.
Speaking of therapy, I also went to therapy today. Before that though, I meditated quickly (if that’s possible) before I had to leave. It was only 10 minutes but the exercise my app, Headspace, instructed me to do today really helped unbind some emotional knots. It instructed me to visualize a person I’ve had difficulty relating, or have conflict with. It’s not really that hard for me to imagine that person. And so I did imagine this and they told me to imagine them happy and radiating light. Previously, they instructed me to imagine someone I like or neutral with. But now I have to imagine a person that either hurt me or I’ve hurt them or both. For some reason, I started crying deeply — which isn’t really unusual for me, I’m a big crybaby.
I later told my therapist this. He asked me why. I told him maybe I felt happy that she was happy without me. Sometimes we have to let go and do nothing for someone to be happy. A little bit of it was sadness that I couldn’t contribute to that happiness but if they are happy without me, so be it. I got into more issues with him and one of the more noteworthy epiphany is how I unconsciously demand/expect “affection” for all the antics that I do because my parents demanded so much from me as a child. Damn, your childhood really does shape how you love.
I spent the rest of the day working on promotional videos for my mental health podcast, Boyz Do Cry. I’ve really enjoyed working on this podcast and the amount of support people have shown is amazing. If you want to hear my friend and I talk about mental health and healing, you should totally listen to it ;)
But this is all to say that I had a fairly good day. There was a certain lightness I had in my heart today. There were no ruminations, it was just appreciating the present moment that I was in. Throughout the day, I was just being. I let myself be. And that’s an amazing feeling.
I’m writing this to remember this feeling. I want to remember that there are days like this where I don’t feel like a complete piece of shit — that there are days where I do not constantly talk badly of myself. The inner critic in my head was drowned out from my awareness of what I was doing. I was doing life. There were no ruminating about the millions of past mistakes or running anxiety about what might happen in the future. For once, my brain decided to do nothing, except what I told it to do.
I know every day won’t be like this. But I’m marking this day. I’m choosing to remember that this is possible — not every day will I have that fog in my head. Sometimes it dissipates and you can finally enjoy and see where you are, what you’ve done and who you, and others, truly are — kind human beings that are just trying to go through life and sometimes really fuck each other up.
I want to remember this.
So, Happy 3rd of July!
PS
If you are wondering why I have a pretzel as the featured image, it’s because I got a pretzel when I had to go to the mall to pick up something. It was pretty good. Mall pretzels are dope.
