Regenerating into Your True Self
I turned 24 yesterday. I had a relatively quiet birthday full of self-reflection. I was keeping inventory of what I had accomplished this past year. Looking back, it wasn’t so bad.
For the past few years, I’ve struggled with… loving myself. I think that’s the phrase I want to use. I have made peace that the “self” is a continually evolving creature. It takes constant conversations with “yourself” to figure it out.
In my mind, I wish it was as easy as regenerating a-la-Doctor Who. For those who aren’t familiar with Doctor Who, the Doctor is part of the alien race called “time lords” and they — instead of dying — regenerate into a totally new person when hurt badly. Still the same person with the same memories but a totally new personality and outlook on life.
I particularly like the Ninth Doctor’s regeneration into the Tenth:
I wish birthdays were like that. Or if I just injure myself real bad I just change into a new person.
I always found this idea fascinating. I’ve always wanted to radically change myself into someone else. In my head, there’s always that “ideal self” that I’m striving for.
But I think that’s a pretty dumb goal. I don’t think it should be a goal. I think it should be a direction. The ideal is not something to be attained but to be striven for.
In a sense, we are always changing everyday. We are constantly regenerating, creating new iterations of ourselves, trying to be that “self” we ultimately want to be. Or just comfortable being.
And it’s hard. It’s hard because that involves making mistakes. It’s risking yourself and becoming vulnerable. I think I’m proud to say that’s what I’ve tried to do since my last birthday.
It was — no — it still is difficult. It involve peeling back the mask that you so often wear. It involves extreme honesty with yourself and other people on why you do things — which means you must also be very aware of your problems.
Therapy helped in that case. Humans are very complicated. Like… really, REALLY complicated. You can’t understand people if you don’t understand yourself. Most people say they know themselves pretty well but I’m willing to bet that’s a lie. The breakthroughs I have within therapy or just thinking back on my past traumas during childhood have been very illuminating.
But awareness is useless without action. Once I was aware, it was time to face them. This involved having to be very honest and very open about yourself to others. It involves reconciling some things with people that were important to you — which involves sometimes calling your ex to apologize.
It’s constantly pushing yourself to do the “right” thing, even though sometimes the right thing is difficult and usually what we don’t want. It’s opening yourself up to people and in turn they open themselves up to you. This is great but also at the same time scary because by opening yourself up, you are also opening them up to your flaws. And that’s terrifying.
But that’s how you grow. Facing it head on. You will make mistakes. You will mistake your deep ingrained self-destructive behavior as your intuition. But you will be okay. In this process of constantly challenging yourself — learning, growing and listening — you will become closer to who you want to be.
If the “self” is an ever-changing process, then to love yourself is to love change.
I don’t know. I don’t know any of the answers really. You will surprise yourself in the things you do. You will disappoint yourself as well. But I’m learning that you have to be kind. Not only to other people, but to yourself as well. That’s what I’m hoping to be more of in my 24th year on this earth — to be kinder.
